Shout

14Jul08

Rawr x I love my friends x

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Rambling again…

14Jul08

It’s odd I know I am lacking something.  I feel lost.  The outburst with the ex wasn’t about him, it was me losing control, rage, pent up anger and no where to release it.

I haven’t lost the plot like that for a long time.  I felt bad because its not like me.  I hate stress.

I hate lies, I hate unhappy. I hate arguments with a vengance, I would prefer to talk.  Sure I get shitty and whinge a little lol, hell I am not a robot.  I try keep the peace, I don’t like drama.

I had three cigarettes tonight (its past midnight) .  Yes, I know, I know my bad. I am going to regret it because i am only making my stress levels higher, what can I say I’m a masochist lol.

I don’t handle stress very well.  I just want some happy, no crap just mellow happy. Fuck is it too much to ask??  It is possible, I have been there before.  This whole parenting thing sometimes gets a little crazy.  I wouldn’t change it for the world.

But sometimes I forget about me, I worry about everyone else. I hold on to pent up crap and i don’t know how to release it, and when it finally claws its way out, my god, I pity those in its path. That’s my wolf side, wild and angry, my walls go up, I keep that protective shell around me, I withdraw. And I lash out when provoked.  I hate it.  It controls me I don’t control it.

I am so wired I can’t sleep.  So I am writing crap in here. Better out than in they say although in certain situations that would be a less than favourable option … hehe (my deviant mind at the moment).  My head is all over the place. I feel like I am on the edge of my seat waiting for something, but what I have no clue.

I think I feel bad for that outburst tonight because for the past few months its something that I was consciously working on, not letting anger control me.  It’s such a destructive force. I let myself down. Just when I think I am getting somewhere I slip backwards. The norty brat that can’t help herself and has to open her big trap.  Don’t get me wrong, I still feel good at the same time for saying what I did because it really did need to be done. It was a long time coming. But i could have handled it better, always the after thought lol.

So I will go to bed soon and tomorrow is a new day. Good things will happen *sigh*

Maybe I just need a damn good spanking LOL

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Honesty…

13Jul08

It went from a good day to a bad one in about two seconds flat today.  At the moment I am angry, wired and generally pissed off.

My son has been with his father who flew in from Australia two weeks ago.  His Dad was very vague about the details, I tried a number of times to let his parents and him know that I would appreciate knowing where he was, if they went away somewhere, I was to be told.  A simple text was all that was needed every now and then nothing major, I knew they might do a little travelling. Not hard to follow and I wasn’t going to be pedantic about it.  For five days nothing, I tried ringing all day one day to get no one.  I was worried as a mother would be even though I knew he’d be fine. But I am trying to make this all work.

His parents mentioned the ex had gained a new girlfriend and I said I had got the impression that was fact during a couple brief conversations with him over the phone at certain points.   Still with me? … His mother mentioned this when they picked him up and I asked outright if he was bringing her with him to which his mother replied, No.  Okay…

My son got home today and kept mentioning a woman’s name.  I had a niggling feeling all of last week that he had brought her with him and he was keeping it from me.  Now I am fine, I have moved on, I am over his shit lol.  I have a good life now and I am happy.  What I am not happy with is the fact I was lied to.  My son took a call from Daddy tonight and then he asked to speak to this woman.  He had told me earlier they had gone to the airport and she and Daddy had got on the plane. I confronted him tonight when he rang and he simply kept repeating he hadn’t lied.  He had not much else to say when he realised I had worked it all out on my  own and he had no answers.

This is what happened back when we split.  Same shit.  So tonight obviously a whole lot of shit I have been holding onto let rip.  He got it full frontal.  His less than satisfactory presence in my son’s life as a decent father.  The fact he doesn’t know what the word honest means even when it hits him in the arse.  He has now been told in no uncertain terms that he will speak directly to me to make any plans that involve our son and his parents are to be kept out of it.  I have had enough of being assumed to be thick. I have had enough of their meddling, they have meddled from day one and always tried to make me feel like a less than a good mother.

(her daughter who is the same age as me has left her daughters upbringing to them … need I say more… I am not her daughter)

He’s probably freaking out that I will cut access but thats not what it’s about, he still doesn’t get it.  This lady I have no idea who she is, do I have a right to know who my son is with when hes in his fathers company in this situation, hes not seen his son for well over a year…this has been a huge emotional hurdle for our son to spend this time with his Dad ?

I don’t hide anything like that why the fuck should I?  And he’s fine with all of my friends.  If he had been honest BEFORE the holiday I would have been fine.  Its the lies.  How the hell am I suppossed to trust him with our son if he can’t be honest about things that are important like introducing a new woman into our sons life and to top it off on Friday night he jumped on the phone and said “when you are ready I’ll have him”.  Yep I have spent the last four years doing all the hard yards… he was home one day a week for the whole four years … like fuck.

I am just pissed off, I finally thought this crap was all over and something like this would be considered okay to talk about, hell I don’t care if he fucks a horse, chick or whatever. It’s our son I am concerned about, it’s his welfare.  I had to rant somewhere, I went off at him on the phone and then felt bad I shouldn’t have done it when I am angry.  It’s very rare I actually let rip out loud to someone, the things I said were extremely harsh, but they needed to be said.  My close friends and family have all said I did the right thing but why do I feel like shit then.

I am just dreading the aftermath.

Ugh. Fuckbuckets.

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Tags: rant